Engaging Joy
by Jason Kell, Door of Hope, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jason Kell, LPCC
When I consider the depth and breadth of possibility in being joy-filled, my mind immediately connects to Family! (Note: The practices in this article can also be applied to any safe healthy relationship outside of family) It has been my experience that to find joy and joy in its true abundance, it is important to keep the following principles at the forefront: (1) Trust (2) Humility (3) PLAY.
To engage in any meaningful and growth-oriented relationships, it is decisive that trust is at the foundation. This cannot be overstated: Trust is the pen-ultimate, quintessential feature of any and all safety. Without safety, we cannot have emotional regulation and without emotional regulation, we cannot be in authentically loving relationships. This essence is found first and foremost in the family, by design. However, when it doesn’t happen in that setting, God provides other special people in our life to fill that need.
From this place, I believe the principle of humility is essential because it brings the spirit of learning! Through this lens of learning, we seek to listen and understand one another, and we create a place for connection and restorative growth.
Finally, and might I say most importantly, is the aspect of play. Play is essential because it is at the foundation of all our meaning. It’s our first language of connection ever since we could move. To even learn (in humility) we must have the ingredients that come from safety (trust) of knowing we can be playful and play. Play allows us to just BE who we are supposed to be in the world and grow in deeper Christ-like connections in all relationships.
In speaking in my roles as a father and husband, it is here where I have learned one of the most important lessons: ‘Haraka haraka haina baraka.’ This is a Swahili saying that roughly translates: ‘Don’t move too fast, otherwise you will miss the blessing.’ It has taught me the essence that comes back to the family unit and taking the beautiful responsibility as a father and husband to engage in meaningful family connection, regulate together, and play together. My wife has been the most influential person who has taught me this gift of slowing down. When we slow down, we get space to be able to play and connect. As a family we make it our priority to always include, especially with a toddler, an elementary school ager, and a middle schooler. We have created space to always be playful through singing karaoke, family dance sessions, and doing devotions with fun questions like: ‘what brought you joy this week’ or ‘what is one thing that made you smile or laugh unexpectedly today’ or ‘what is one way I can support you this week?’ — taking rotations with each individual in the family during our routine nighttime devotions with books like ‘Jesus Always’ or through Dinner-Topics and plenty of laughter at our family meals.
Moreover, we make it a point to include life-giving affirmations to one another with bedtime check-ins: ‘What’s one thing I can help improve in your world?’ followed up by an affirmation or encouragement of one thing we see in the other person that we appreciate or adore! We use transition times to engage these playful times in the car before school as well: silly dancing, loud singing together, and telling each other what we love about the other person’s character - speaking life over their day!
All that FUN stuff to say: It is important to remember that there is not one right way of doing family connection or regulation activities; rather it is key just to pause to listen both to Holy Spirit’s leading and attune to each individual child’s needs and experiences in the world. A friend of mine once called being a father/husband: the everchanging-NEW-as family norms grow. What a Joy! In other words, expect life and habits to change, but stay consistently connected to the true source of Joy—Jesus who always prioritizes space to connect relationally. Let the family be the space that anchors your kids and yourself back to one another and the joy of the Lord. And, overall, continue to hold strong to the hope, committing to our good Father‘s heart as we ride the waves of life. He is our source and anchor!
A final encouragement: hurry less, play more, and keep your ears and eyes fixed on the ever-expanding attachment-love that the Father is always calling us into through the heart of his Son!